8 powerful phrases of emotionally intelligent leaders
Practice emotional intelligence by incorporating these simple, powerful phrases into your leadership vocabulary By Carla Rudder, February 18, 2019 https://enterprisersproject.com/article/2019/2/emotional-intelligence-8-go-phrases-leaders?sc_cid=70160000000cYRWAA2 Emotional intelligence is a must-have soft skill for leaders, and it’s not hard to spot the ones who possess it. People are drawn to high-EQ leaders. It’s apparent in the ways they interact with colleagues. You can even hear it in the words they use every day. “Emotionally intelligent people want to know that their boss is emotionally intelligent, as well,” says Jonathan Feldman, CIO of the city of Asheville, NC. “That usually translates into wanting to see some self-awareness. Phrases like ‘I was wrong,’ ‘Oh, you’re right,’ and ‘I fell short on that one by not doing XYZ’ help employees know that.” Here are eight more phrases you can start to incorporate into your leadership vocabulary today to connect with and relate to your team in more meaningful ways. It’s not just lip service, either. Emotional intelligence is one of those skills that improves with regular practice. These simple yet powerful phrases are a great place to start. “Tell me more.” Emotionally intelligent leaders typically possess another valuable soft skill: communication know-how. They also understand that it can be challenging for others, and they’d never make assumptions based on a colleague’s words. “Tell me more about that,” or “What did you mean when you said/did that?” is a judgment-free way to get clarity, says Dr. Neeta Bhushan, emotional health educator and author of “Emotional GRIT.” When leaders use these words, they are operating from a place of curiosity and compassion instead of judgment, she says. “The phrase ‘can you say more about that’ demonstrates a desire to better understand what the other person is saying or trying to get at, but is non-evaluative,” adds Drew Bird, founder at The EQ Development Group. “How do you like to be communicated to?” High-EQ leaders also don’t make assumptions about how others like to receive communication from them. For instance, some people might appreciate face-to-face conversations while others prefer a simple text message. Emotionally intelligent leaders want to know about those preferences so they can adapt their communication style for each individual on their team. “Emotionally intelligent leaders know how to communicate with empathy. And they recognize that in order to do so, they have to get to know the other person and to ask how they like to receive their information,” notes Colin D. Ellis, author of “The Conscious Project Leader.” “As humans, we all like to receive communication in different ways, and high-EQ leaders will always ask.” “I appreciate you.” Giving feedback is one area where emotionally intelligent leaders shine. Sanjay Malhotra, CTO of Clearbridge Mobile, says his go-to phrase is, “Looks good.” "I know it sounds simple,” he says. “My team works day in and out to create products and work they're proud of. Sometimes things can get hectic with multiple projects and priorities, so I try to make sure everyone knows they're acknowledged and doing a good job even for a quick second. It's something so small, but I know my team appreciates hearing their hard work is worth it." It’s not just for the team, though. Leaders who use this phrase build stronger relationships and deeper trust with their colleagues, which is a good thing for everyone involved. “Showing gratitude and acceptance is a surefire way to have positive engagement and employee satisfaction,” says Bhushan. While it's nice to hear “good job," putting some context around it makes it even more meaningful, says Bird. “Helping people to understand why you are grateful makes it more meaningful than simply saying thanks,” he says. Bird suggests the phrase: “I really appreciate you doing that because [add the actual impact of their actions].” “What are your thoughts?” Feedback is a two-way street for high-EQ leaders, says Ellis. “Emotionally intelligent leaders are inclusive by nature and never stop looking for opportunities to bring the thoughts and views of others into a discussion,” he says. “They recognize that they are not the smartest people in the room and look for ways to elevate others.” “I have a different perspective.” High-EQ leaders don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Instead, they use disagreements as opportunities to start a dialogue and find common ground. “The phrase ‘I have a different perspective’ is a more emotionally intelligent way to say ‘I don’t agree,’” says Bird. “Having a different perspective simply means you have an alternative view of this opportunity or challenge.” When those alternative views lead to conflict, Bird suggests the phrase: “It makes me [insert emotion/feeling] when you ...” This language demonstrates that the leader has given thought to what is happening, and enables the other person to hear the impact of their actions, says Bird. “Are you OK?” For most people, creativity ebbs and flows. Some days we’re firing on all cylinders, some days we need a few extra cups of coffee just to get through the workday. Emotionally intelligent leaders know this and give their employees the benefit of the doubt. They also check in to make sure employees are OK. “There are times that people are not able to be the best, most productive versions of themselves. In times such as these, the response of emotionally intelligent leaders is not to berate them for missing a deadline or allowing the quality of work to slip. It's to ask them, in an empathetic way, whether they are OK,” says Ellis. “The wellbeing of other people is uppermost in their minds, and this is just one way that they show it.” “I hear you.” Empathy, as Ellis notes, is a hallmark of emotional intelligence. Bhushan agrees. “Showcasing empathy is the number-one way to show emotional intelligence, to demonstrate that you hear the other person and that you don’t have any hidden agenda driving your actions,” she says. Phrases like “I hear you” and “I understand” are useful in bringing the language of empathy into your vocabulary, she says. “I’m sorry.” Emotionally intelligent leaders aren’t afraid to admit when they are wrong. “Apologizing, in an honest way, demonstrates a high level of emotional intelligence as it shows a modesty and humility that followers really appreciate,” says Bird. That humility is key, notes Ellis: “Humility is a key behavioral trait of emotionally intelligent leaders. They have the self-awareness to know when they've said something or acted in a way that upset or undermined another human, and are determined to correct it as soon as possible,” he says.
0 Comments
Borrowed from Henri Junttila of Wake Up Cloud.
“A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.” – Mahatma Gandhi Have you ever wanted to be more positive? Have you ever been frustrated with the negativity that your thoughts seemingly force upon you? Good news! You can do something about how you feel. The emotions you have are there because of the thoughts that precede them. Changing your thoughts is very similar to changing a habit. It’s probably going to be hard in the beginning, because you’re trying to change something that you’re used to, but after 3 to 4 weeks, you’ll start to feel comfortable in the new you. 1. Read Read books that inspire, encourage, and motivate you. What matters is that you continually feed your mind with positive and inspirational material. 2. Listen Listen to audio programs. Choose inspirational books or podcasts. Listening for 30 to 60 minutes a day will make a big difference in your life. 3. Focus While this might sound overly simplistic, most people don’t do it. Focus on the positive instead of dwelling upon the negative. Most people concentrate on the problems at hand instead of the solutions. It has been shown that most of our worries never even happen. That means that you are worrying and making yourself feel stressed out for no reason at all. Next time you feel the negativity come on, flip it over and think about the positive aspect of it and what you can do about it. For example, instead of asking “Why me?” or “Why am I so unlucky?” ask yourself “What can I learn from this?” and “How can I turn this around?” 4. Release There are some great ways to release negative thought patterns and negative beliefs. Try googleing Emotional Freedom Techniques. The more negativity you can release from your life the more peace you will feel inside and the more positive you will be. 5. Habits What kind of habits do you have right now that cause negativity in your life? What would your life look like if you started to change them? When we make the decision to change a habit, it almost happens by itself, but you have to be determined to make it happen. Changing your thoughts is like changing any habit in your life. It’s not going to be easy, but then again, feeling bad all the time isn’t exactly a walk in the park. 6. Goals The majority of people never set any goals. I know that it can be scary to decide on where you want to go, and you want to leave your options open, but nothing happens until you get clear about where you want to go and what you want to do. It doesn’t matter if your goals change. In fact, that’s normal, and one of the reasons why you should keep tweaking your goals as the seasons change. One of the best ways to set goals is to use the S.M.A.R.T criteria, which stands for: · Specific · Measurable · Attainable · Realistic · Timely Your goals will give you focus and purpose, so make sure you set goals in each area of your life. The most common areas are health, relationships, career, and personal development. 7. Passion I’ve noticed that since I started following my passion and moving towards the life of my dreams, the positivity in my life has magically increased. Most people are doing things they don’t want to do, and they never even take a step towards finding and pursuing their passion. Don’t let this be you. Go after your dreams, even if it means only being able to put aside 10 minutes a day. If you start today, you can build upon what you have, but if you keep putting it off, it will never happen. Increasing the positivity in your life is simple, but not easy. You have to take responsibility and make it happen, because no one will do it for you. When I found this article on the internet, I had to stop and read it to the very end. Anyone who has been around kids knows how hard it can be to try to make kids understand concepts like fairness and equity, selfishness and selflessness. Author Michealyn Hein has some good advice on how to get these ideas through to kids but the ideas are good reminders for adults, too.
How to Raise Selfless Children in a ‘Me First’ World By Michaelyn Hein (https://selfsufficientkids.com/selfless-children/) “He has more cereal than me!” my daughter wailed from her favorite seat at the kitchen counter. “No! She has more than me!” my son quickly pointed out from the seat next to her. Gripping my coffee mug a bit tighter, I stood at the counter opposite them and took a deep breath. My instinct was to lose it. After all, this bickering over who was getting better treatment from me had been going on all morning. First, it was who got the better seat at the kitchen counter (is there really a better seat?) Then, it was who got their drink first. Now, it was the cereal. Are you kidding me?! I was tempted to yell. You’re really upset over a few extra Cheerios?! But as much as I wanted to scream at my children, I didn’t. As much as I wanted to point out their selfishness in frustrated shouts and hysterics, I held it together. Not because I’m the paradigm of calm mothering (I’m trying), but because, just as I felt the urge to flip out over my children’s obsession with what was in each of their bowls, a quote came to my mind that I’d recently heard: “The only time you should worry about what’s in your neighbor’s bowl,” I asserted, “is if you’re checking to make sure they have enough.” My kids just stared at me. My oldest looked thoughtful, at least, seemingly mulling over this strange concept to decide whether it was one he wanted to accept. My four-year-old, however, looked blankly at me, obviously clueless as to the meaning of the words I’d just shared. “What I mean,” I clarified for her, “is that I want you to be kind to your brother. And that means being happy for him when he gets good things. Not upset with him.” The message seemed to sink in. At least a little. My daughter got quiet and went back to eating her food. Which, for her, is akin to acceptance. This struggle to raise selfless kids in a world that pushes self-centeredness is a battle I’m constantly fighting. We live in a selfie culture. Our kids can hardly escape it. They’re bombarded with announcements of how many likes friends receive on social media, and even their clothing encourages them to, “Love your selfie!” What’s a concerned parent to do? Model selflessness Nothing allows me to see my husband and myself as we truly are like seeing ourselves reflected in our children. Whether they’ve adopted my penchant for leaving behind a trail of half-finished tasks or they’ve mastered their dad’s sarcastic sense of humor, they’re doing a fabulous job learning a lot from their parents. We all know kids are sponges. They absorb that which they see their parents doing. As such, they’ll have a harder time learning to be service-minded if they don’t regularly see it in action at home. We can’t expect our children to be models of selflessness if we, their parents, are more concerned with what we get rather than what we give. And, so, if we want considerate children, we must be considerate ourselves. Teach empathy Sure, kids seemingly absorb some traits through osmosis. Other traits, however, benefit from some direct instruction. On more than one occasion, I’ve asked my kids to imagine how it feels to walk in someone else’s shoes. And then I make them answer me. It’s important that they verbally acknowledge another person’s feelings. Reading (and discussing) books with our children is a great way to do this. It’s an opportunity to analyze the characters’ motivations and emotions, and to imagine oneself in their situations. One of my high school English teachers maintained that the most important reason for reading books and studying literature is to learn empathy. Now that I’m a parent, I can see how right she is. Start teaching selflessness early. Too often today, we believe that children can’t master such skills like sharing or feelings such as empathy until they’re much older. But, studies and experts agree on the importance of teaching children empathy from their youngest days. Indeed, I’ve seen firsthand that skills and concepts taught from infancy are the ones that become second-nature. They’re the ones you don’t have to teach later. After my husband and I had our first child, I’d sit at playdates, watching two-year-olds swipe toys away from one-year-olds as toddlers typically do. What surprised me, though, was watching some of the moms do nothing about the stealing and hoarding of toys. “I don’t like to use the word no,” one mom explained. “They can’t understand the idea of sharing until at least age 3,” said another. I was confused. I’d been talking to my son about sharing his toys ever since the first time his little fingers clung to a truck he wanted to neither play with nor let go of. Because we talked about the importance of sharing with my son at an early age, he was doing so easily by the time he turned two. And in the seven years since then, he’s rarely had difficulty letting go of material items. He understands that our goodness to others, rather than tangible items, is what matters most in life. Make charity a family activity If we want to raise children who are naturally selfless, then they should be raised in a home where charity is the norm, not the exception. While finding volunteer opportunities to do with little ones may be daunting, it’s not impossible. With our kids, aged one to nine, my husband and I have harvested peaches and green beans for food pantries, packed meals and decorated lunch bags for area soup kitchens, and created shoebox care packages for needy children. Through such experiences, our children learn that charity is just something we do, that it’s a natural part of life to care for others. That from the little or plenty we have, we can still always give something, even if it’s just our time. Many opportunities to volunteer from home exist. You can find some great ideas here: No Time to Volunteer? 7 Kid Activities You Can Do at Home Make sure your children know you care more about their character than their accomplishments Our world is big on accolades. It’s a comparison obsessed world, and kids themselves often become their parents’ trophies. In a study conducted by the Making Caring Common Project at Harvard University, 80% of surveyed youth said their parents are more concerned about their achievement or happiness than caring for others. It’s not surprising. We are surrounded by bumper stickers celebrating honor students, and social media posts announcing a child’s success at a big game. While it’s not wrong to be proud of our children’s accomplishments, it can become problematic if all children hear is that their parents are proud of what they do rather than who they are. When my son was in first grade, he put pressure on himself to get 100% on every spelling quiz, to the point where he’d be upset if he earned anything less. I was glad he was motivated to do well academically, but I also saw that I had to help him alter his perspective a bit. “You don’t have to be the best in your class,” I told him, “but I hope you’re the kindest.” Admittedly, after saying this, I had nervous visions of his grades plummeting (“Hey, Mom said I don’t need to be smart!”), so I reinforced that I still expect him to study and try his best. But, the most important point my husband and I have maintained is that while we’re proud of his accomplishments, we’re more proud of him for simply being a person of noble character. Remind your children often of their responsibility to care for others In our entitled world, children often grow up believing the world is here to please them. It is our job as parents to teach them otherwise. Recently, my son came home from school and immediately began kicking his soccer ball around the yard. At the same time, my four-year-old daughter ran in the house to get a football her brother usually loves to play with. Now, my daughter doesn’t love football (she would much rather play dolls), but she does love her big brother. So, I watched as she ran to him with his football, shouting, “Do you want to play?” My son barely acknowledged her, mumbling a curt, “No,” as he kicked the ball at the side of the garage. My daughter was crestfallen. The football fell to the ground, and her face fell with it. Matters got worse when my son grabbed the fallen football and ran inside to hide it. “Umm, really?” I asked him. “I don’t want to play with it, but I don’t want her to, either. She might ruin it.” “Ruin a football?” I repeated, incredulous. And then I reminded him of something I often repeat to my kids. “Honey, the world is not here to serve you – or any of us. We are here to serve each other. You need to rethink your choices.” He changed his attitude and got the football, so they could play. My daughter responded, “We can play soccer instead, since you want to play that more.” And, they did. Our kids aren’t perfect. Often, it seems they’re still at the starting line on this road to selflessness. And, so, we remind them. We remind them to put others first. We remind them to be kind. And we do this constantly in the hopes that one day our reminders will be able to be a little (okay, a lot) less constant. Beware of the message you send Sometimes what we don’t do matters more than what we do. It seems a small thing, but I cringe when I see kids wearing shirts that proclaim their self-centeredness or thoughtlessness as if it’s something to be proud of. A boy in my son’s class recently came to school wearing a shirt that announced, “I see your lips moving, but I’m not listening.” Such clothing sends the wrong message to our children. It’s confusing and contradictory to teach them kindness, but then, for the sake of “humor,” ignore the lesson altogether in what we buy for them to wear. Recognize sacrifice and foster gratitude It’s often easier to focus on the negative than on the positive. We live in a society that more readily finds fault than merit. But, challenge yourself to look for others’ thoughtful actions. Pay attention to others’ sacrifices and point them out to your children. After my daughter offered to play soccer, rather than football, with her big brother, I noted it aloud to them both. “That was kind of you to offer to play what your brother wanted, even though I was prodding him to do what you wanted,” I acknowledged to my daughter in front of my son. And of my son, I encouraged gratitude for his sister’s sacrifice. Keep up the good work through repetition The art of raising selfless kids, unfortunately, doesn’t take place in a single moment. It is, rather, a lifetime of continued practice and reinforcement, both on our part and the part of our children. My kids’ fight over their cereal was surely not their last bout of selfishness, but I hope, with consistency in holding them to a higher standard of behavior, their battles with the “me first” mentality will be fewer and farther between. Have you ever read an article in the newspaper about the CEO of a company that is being charged with illegal activity like violating environmental laws and thought, "I would never do that."? Or seen an obese person at an all-you-can-eat restaurant and thought, "I would never let my weight get that out of control."?
This type of judgement suggests that you are different that the person who sparked your thought. You wouldn't purposefully damage the environment because you respect the earth. You are different than that CEO. If you were in his shoes, you'd act differently. But research says that isn't the case at all. And it makes sense if you stop and consider. I would totally resort to stealing if it was the only way I saw to feed my children. If I had no other way to express my rage and frustration at the inequality in our society, I might spray paint a message on the wall of an old building. If being an honest CEO meant that my company went bankrupt and all my employees ended up losing their jobs, I might be willing to overlook the rules. This is really what the character trait empathy is all about. Can you really understand what drives someone to act? Ever wondered why someone who is on social assistance smokes? or buys a coffee at Tims every day even though money is scarce? Imagine what it would be like if that smoke or coffee was the only enjoyable thing in a day spent working at a minimum wage job with no prospects of anything better. Unless you can see where that person is coming from, it's pretty easy judge. Let's stop separating you from me. Let's look at the world from a different perspective. We're all in this together. A borrowed essay about gossip...
There are Better Things to Talk About Than Other People (and How to Gossip Less) http://www.becomingminimalist.com/there-are-better-things-to-talk-about-than-others/ WRITTEN by JOSHUA BECKER · “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed. The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage. ___ Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another. Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own. Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.” There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster. 2. Stop it before it starts. If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner. 3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you. There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present. 4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation. Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset. 5. Stay positive with your speech. Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same. 6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip. Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room. Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is? How to Help a Colleague Who Seems Off Their Game
By Art Markman When we think about productivity at work, we often think about how to motivate ourselves. But sometimes the people who are struggling to stay focused and engaged are our peers. And while it may not be an official part of your job description, helping a colleague is the kind thing to do and can be beneficial to your own productivity. To help a coworker who’s going through a rough patch, start by letting them know that you’ve noticed that they’re off their game. Find a time to chat with them at their desk, or invite them to grab a cup of coffee or a drink after work. Tell them what you’ve observed. Then talk openly about the times you’ve struggled with projects or had bad days. And make sure the conversation stays productive. It’s easy for a well-intentioned check-in to turn into a gripe session about what’s wrong with the workplace. Talk through small steps they can take to make progress on their most important goals. When we think about productivity at work, we often think about how to motivate ourselves — or the people on our team. But sometimes the people who are struggling to stay focused and engaged are our peers. And while it may not be an official part of your job description, helping a colleague is the kind thing to do and can be beneficial to your own productivity. Here are several things you can do for your colleagues to help them through a rough patch. Acknowledge The first step is to let your colleague know that you’ve noticed they’re off their game. Find a time to chat with them at their desk or invite them to grab a cup of coffee or a drink after work. Tell them what you’ve observed. Perhaps they look down, or frustrated, or unable to concentrate. You can’t force a colleague to disclose what’s going on with them, but just letting them know that you’ve noticed that they seem to be acting differently shows them that someone out there is paying attention. They may not want to discuss the issue when you first bring it up, but you’ve planted the seed for future conversation by letting them know that you are there. And sometimes that’s enough. In an era of hot-desking, flexible schedules, texts, and emails, it is easy to lose the human connection at work, which can make you feel as though you are working for an unsympathetic and faceless organization. Knowing that you have colleagues who care can sometimes be motivating in itself. Validate Beyond just stating that you’ve observed that your colleague is struggling, you can also help to validate the difficulty of being productive. One of the big motivation killers for many people involves a combination of imposter syndrome and social comparison. Imposter syndrome is a common feeling where people believe they’ve risen to a position they don’t deserve. They fear that their colleagues and supervisors will discover that they don’t deserve the position they’ve gotten, so they do their best to hide their bad days and the limitations of their Imposter syndrome is reinforced by the tendency to compare yourself to other people. In particular, people often engage in upward social comparisons in which they compare themselves to other people who are more successful on some dimension. It’s easy to find people in the workplace who seem to be accomplishing more than you are. You look at them and believe that you don’t have the same qualities they have. The problem with social comparison is that you can only see what other people project to the world (intentionally or unintentionally). You see what they say and what they do, but not what they are feeling or thinking. So you assume they don’t have the same feelings you do about your work. This is why reaching out to your colleague is helpful: By talking openly about the times you’ve struggled with projects or had days when you feel like you are running at half-speed compared to everyone else, you’re showing them they are not alone in what they are feeling. It’s likely your colleague thinks they are unique in their concerns and frustrations. You can help them more clearly understand that everyone has days where they do not get as much done as they had hoped or worry they’re missing the skills they need to succeed. This type of validation has two benefits. First, it may help your colleague recognize that their feelings about work are not a sign that they don’t belong in their job. Second, sharing your experience makes you a safe colleague to talk to. People may be reluctant to disclose their own frustrations with work to someone else unless they believe their feelings will be understood. By validating their experience, you make it more likely they’ll talk with you further. Plan If your colleague does talk with you about the factors that are limiting their motivation, it’s important to make the conversation productive. It’s easy for a well-intentioned attempt to check in with a struggling colleague to turn into a gripe session about what’s wrong with the workplace. But it’s important to develop a plan for the future. This plan might take many forms. Some colleagues may be ill suited to the organization or their role. Perhaps they don’t resonate with the firm’s mission. Perhaps they just hate the day-to-day work they are doing. If so, then you might be helping a colleague to make the decision to pursue other opportunities. That isn’t always the case, but there will be rare occasions where the plan you help your colleague make is to reconsider their current situation. More likely, your colleague is suited to their job but is having trouble getting things done. In that case, have them talk through small steps they can take to make progress on their most important goals. It’s possible they’ve lost the forest for the trees. A project may seem so all-encompassing that it feels impossible to make steady progress. But any contribution at work is the result of lots of small jobs done well. Someone paralyzed by the enormity of the project can benefit from focusing on what can be done this afternoon or tomorrow rather than what has to be done over the next several weeks. Of course, you don’t have to solve everyone else’s problems. And you need to be careful that helping your colleague doesn’t drain your energy or hurt your performance. The aim is for your coworkers to know that they are not alone at work and to help them think about concrete actions they can take to get out of the doldrums. Art Markman, PhD, is the Annabel Irion Worsham Centennial Professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin and founding director of the program in the Human Dimensions of Organizations. He has written over 150 scholarly papers on topics including reasoning, decision making, and motivation. He is the author of several books including Smart Thinking, Smart Change, and Habits of Leadership. https://hbr.org/2018/09/how-to-help-a-colleague-who-seems-off-their-game It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh. "Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice. "We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay." Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now." Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house. Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?" "We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are." "Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better. Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less. A.A.Milne E.H.Shepard OK, this is another internet find but regardless of whether this is actually a true story or not, the message is worth hearing... And the moral applies to school, home and office.
Autistic boy fails his school exams – his teacher sends him home with a powerful letter that immediately went viral. Raising a child with learning difficulties isn’t any less rewarding than raising one without them, but it can be said that it’s a great deal tougher. Whilst parents of children without learning difficulties undoubtedly fret over all the usual things a mother or father does, those parents whose children are born with conditions such as autism have all those concerns and more. What’s more, in addition to the worries of the parents, the children themselves can sometimes struggle in high-pressure social environments. There is no better example of this than school, where grades play a major role in your progress. 11-year-old Ben Twist lives with autism, and his mom Gail was handed a huge surprise when her son’s school sent a letter home after he failed his SAT tests … When Gail received a letter from Ben’s school, she would have been forgiven for expecting it to say something about how he needed to work harder or improve his grades. Instead, the letter contained nothing of the sort. The innovative thinkers at Lansbury Bridge School and Sports College, in St. Helens, Merseyside instead gave Ben a boost of confidence. Despite the fact he’d failed his SAT tests, his teacher recognized that what he needed was support, not condemnation. Mrs. Clarkson sent him home with a touching letter that let him know just how skilled he is, and what exactly he brings to the table. The letter reads: “Dear Ben, I am writing you to congratulate you on your attitude and success in completing your end of key stage SATs. Gil, Lynn, Angela, Steph and Anne have worked so well with you this year and you have made some fabulous progress. I have written to you and your parents to tell you the results of the tests. A very important piece of information I want you to understand is that these tests only measure a little bit of you and your abilities. They are important and you have done so well, but Ben is made up of many other skills and talents that we at Lansbury Bridge see and measure in other ways.” Upon reading the letter, Ben’s mom Gail found herself tearing up. Mrs. Clarkson’s letter went on to list the things Ben was good at, things that a usual school test can’t measure. “Other talents you have that these tests do not measure include: -Your artistic talents, your ability to work in a team, your growing independence, your kindness, your ability to express your opinion, your abilities in sports, your ability to make and keep friends, your ability to discuss and evaluate your own progress, your design and building talents, and your musical ability. We are so pleased that all of these different talents and abilities make you the special person you are and these are all of the things we measure to reassure us that you are always making progress and continuing to develop as a lovely, bright young man. Well done Ben, we are very proud of you. Best Wishes, Mrs. Clarkson” The world needs more teacher’s like Mrs. Clarkson! It would have been all too easy for her to send a standard letter telling Ben’s mom that he needed to improve or change in some way. She didn’t though, because she realizes that judging a fish on its ability to climb a tree is as pointless as judging a monkey on its ability to swim in deep waters. At my house, we are knee deep in university applications and the stress of the process is surprisingly real(at least for one of my kids!). I read this article from the Washington Post that explained what schools like Harvard really want in a student. Ontario high school students have until Jan 16, 2019 to apply to Ontario Universities. If you know of a student stressing about the application process, this article may help them re-think what makes a good student:
When applying to college, this character trait may mean more than grades By Jennifer Winward September 10As college application season arrives, the biggest struggle for many students is deciding what to write about for their personal essay. Channeling one’s inner self into a package that shines in print is not easy for anyone, but it is particularly challenging for teenagers who have not previously written about themselves in such a vulnerable way. Students tend to start with obvious — and sometimes trite — topics: successes and failures, times of struggle, or mistakes that produced valuable lessons. However, the best essays are born when students dig deeper and share something that makes them tear up, or causes their eyes to twinkle or their tones to shift. The only genuine way for students to recognize these personal moments of authenticity is for them to hear it for themselves. They need auditory feedback to recognize a pause, a moment of vulnerability, or a shift in their tone when they talk about the topic that should be the focus of their college essays. The insider secret? They should record themselves speaking about something that they love, that’s disappointing or that gets them fired up about life. They’ll hear it when it happens. After guiding hundreds of these recorded chats with students over the past 20 years, I have noticed a common theme among those whose college essays brought about the best results in admissions to their top-choice colleges. The students who talk about moments of genuine kindness reveal more authenticity than those who focus on other subjects. One student who was passionate about science and engineering lit up while talking about volunteering at a local science museum, planning creative projects for kids and narrating the planetarium show. Another student talked about how his family’s deep concern for and commitment to the well-being of abused and neglected animals helped teach him to be more compassionate toward people. One compared the experience of caring for her sick mother while going to school to trying to keep a full glass of water from spilling during an obstacle course. It’s impossible, of course. Water spills. And one who lived in a home that couldn’t always afford to put dinner on the table spent every Sunday at his local church feeding the homeless. He knew how it felt to be hungry. These students discovered something about themselves when they identified the situations in which they were the most kind. Kindness builds character, and colleges (and employers) care about character. Yes, grades, course rigor and test scores matter. But consider that most student applications will look very similar with just a straight numbers comparison. Kindness allows students to stand out. A recent report by the Harvard Graduate School of Education, Making Caring Common, speaks to this. Colleges want students who care. They are drawn to applicants who show concern for others, promote good citizenship and civic engagement and develop personal responsibility. Jeremiah Quinlan, dean of undergraduate admissions at Yale University, says they “want students who have achieved in and out of the classroom, but [they] are also looking for things harder to quantify, [like] authentic intellectual engagement and a concern for others and the common good.” Let’s take a step back for a second and think about why colleges care about students being kind. They care because society cares. Quite simply, we need more kindness in our homes, in our schools and in our communities. The impact of enduring kindness supersedes the name of the school on a college sweatshirt. Being yourself and channeling your inner kindness to build character should be the focus. Getting into your top-choice college should be the bonus of being kind, not the reason to be kind. So channel your inner kindness. Consider the situations when you’re the kindest, and the people to whom you’re naturally kind. Why would that be? What does it say about you if you feel the most fulfilled when you are being kind to children or to strangers or to your teachers or to horses or to an elderly woman crossing the street? Think about that. It will tell you something about yourself, reveal a brilliant story to share, and give you a reason to be proud of who you are. That matters for life, not just for college. Jennifer Winward is an instructor at the University of California at San Diego, an 18-year veteran of high school tutoring, and the founder and lead instructor of Winward Academy. She earned her PhD specializing in adolescent brain development and adolescent learning. Anyone else a fan of the British Royals? I admit I have a secret love and a lot of respect for the new generation of Royals. I think the way that William, Kate and Harry have stood up and openly talked about mental health challenges and how important it is to ask for help (and better yet, why we shouldn't judge those who struggle) is the best thing to hit the tabloids ever. I'm sure the addition of Meghan's voice will help make this message even stronger.
While visiting Australia this fall, Prince Harry spoke before an Invictus Games Rugby Match (again! a fantastic competition that encourages people who have suffered to persevere and be optimistic in the face of challenge!). Read the full report here but below are a couple of things that stood out for me: "It was clear from his remarks that Prince Harry understands the stigma that is still attached to mental illness and depression, especially among men who are loathe to admit when they’re dealing with such an issue. “You need to know a part of being strong and tough is having the courage to ask for help when you need it,” he said. “You must not silently suffer. You are all in this together and if I may speak personally we are all in this together, because asking for help was one of the best decisions that I ever made. You will be continually amazed how life changes for the better.” Glen Poole, Development Officer at the Australian Men’s Health Forum and founder of the Stop Male Suicide project, says that 80 per cent of male suicides are committed by men who haven’t been diagnosed with a mental illness. Hopefully Harry’s heartfelt speech will help convince men around the world, that discussing your troubles is not a sign of weakness, and to get the help they need." |
AuthorThe Community of Character is all about recognizing and appreciating the good stuff in life. This blog will share some thoughts on how we can be the best version of ourselves. Archives
April 2020
Categories |