I raved about this book on Facebook recently. In my opinion, it is such a worthwhile investment of time... but if you're busy and just can't find the time to read it, below are my notes from the book. Notes from Book
Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kid Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Dr. Michele Borba Why does Empathy in Children matter?? For one, bullying is increasing. One study showed youth bullying increasing a whopping 52% in just 4 years (2003-2007) and we now see evidence of bullying starting in children as young as three. (study by Shetgiri, Lin, Flores, “Is There a Bullying Epidemic”, 2001). Another 2014 study found that cyberbullying incidents tripled within a single year. (McAfee, “Teens and the Screen Study”, 2014). Peer cruelty has become so intense that it affects kids’ mental health: one in five middle school students contemplate suicide as a solution to peer cruelty. (Hinduja, Patchin, “Bullying, Cyberbullying, and Suicide”, 2010). pxv Roots of Empathy founder Mary Gordon: “As important as it is to learn to read, it’s also important to learn to relate. Without emotional literacy, to understand our feelings, to have words for them, and be able to understand others’ feelings, we’re basically all islands. So we teach kids emotional literacy: the words to understand what you feel based on what you’ve witnessed with babies.” P6 Turns out that kids schooled in feelings are smarter, nicer, happier, and more resilient than children who are less literate in their Emotion ABCs. (Arsenio, Cooperman, Lover, “Affective Predictors of Preschoolers’ Aggression and Peer Acceptance”, 2001). Scientists have shown that kids who are able to read feelings from nonverbal cues are better adjusted emotionally, more popular, more outgoing, and more sensitive in general. (Goleman, “Emotional Intelligence”, 1995. Emotionally attuned kids are also physically healthier and score higher academically than kids who aren’t coached to consider the feelings and needs of others. (Gottman, “The Heart of Parenting”, 1997). P8 How to refuse temptations and stick up for your beliefs (p36) REFUSE: R = Review who you are – does this go against our family rules or what I stand for? E = Express your belief – “it’s not my thing”, “it’s not nice”, “my mom will ground me if she finds out” F = Firm voice – use a strong tone to get your point across U = Use strong posture – use assertive body language so you are taken seriously (this means eye contact, stand tall, shoulders back) S = Say no and don’t give in – it’s not your job to change someone else’s mind but to stick to your beliefs E = Exit – sometimes the best option is to leave the scene Top 5 Things to Understand about Develop a Moral Identity: (p44) 1. Moral identity can inspire empathy, compassion and motivate caring behaviour 2. To respond empathetically, kids must value other people’s thoughts and feelings 3. Overpraising can make kids competitive, tear others down, and diminish empathy 4. Entitling and overvaluing kids may increase narcissism and hamper moral identity 5. If a child can imagine himself as a caring person, he is more likely to care about others. How to cultivate empathetic reading in children: (p83) Use shoes – when you have finished reading a book (eg Charlotte’s Web), print each character’s name on a sticky note and stick them on some shoes. Kids then choose a shoe and pretend to be the character. Self-regulation The ability to manage emotions is a better predictor of academic achievement than IQ, it dramatically increases your adult child’s health and financial stability and it strengthens resilience so your child can bounce back from setbacks. (Lehrer, “Don’t”, 2009) Ways to weave kindness back into our hurried lives: (p130) 1. Model kindness – look for simple ways for your child to see you extend kindness 2. Expect kindness in others – parents who express their views about unkind behaviour and explain why they feel that way tend to have kids who adopt those views 3. Value kindness – listen to your words to see the split between the focus on achievement and proportion and on kindness and caring 4. Reflect on kindness – ask more questions to elicit your child’s thoughts, feelings and experiences. Instead of asking “what did you do today”, ask “what’s something kind you did today” 5. Explain kindness – tell who was the recipient, identify the kind act done, and point out how the gesture affected the recipient. Ways to help kids practice kindness (p134) · Walk the talk – kids learn best through example · Surround your child with good examples – point out coaches, teachers, babysitters, relatives, friends so are good examples of kindness · Show the impact – if they see the impact, children are more likely to repeat a kind gesture · Pose the right questions – help kids recognize the effect kindness has on them and on others · Do a weekly kindness ritual as a family – look for ways too something kind together eg leave happy notes on candy canes in neighbours’ mailboxes · Put away your wallet – reinforce the action as soon as it happens with reassuring words but use words not rewards to praise. Eg “you always ask Gramma how she’s feeling. It makes me so happy knowing how kind you are.” Ideas to spark Kindness Secret Kindness Buddies (p136) Each person in the family pulls a name from a basket and then must perform a secret act of kindness toward that person each day during the holidays. Deeds may not be purchased but must come straight from the heart. (eg breakfast in bead, pick a flower bouquet, fix a broken toy) Create a Kindness Jar (p136) Us a large transparent container and add a penny each time someone does a kind act. The honoree is the recipient of the kind act (not the giver). The receiver reports the giver’s name and deed (eg Larry was kind because he folded up my blanket). This focuses on the recipient, not giving the giver a chance to brag or expect rewards. When filled, donate the jar of pennies with the kids deciding where the money should go. Make a Kindness Wall (p137) Record acts of kindness on Post-it notes and stick them on a wall. Create a Kindness Centerpiece (p137) Gather your kids and brainstorm kind deeds to do for anyone. Then, cut 15-20 coloured paper shapes (can use holiday themed shapes) and tape each shape to a pipe cleaner On each shape, write one deed and decorate with markers, stickers, etc. Put the pipe cleaners in a vase to make a bouquet. Each morning, invite family members to pull a kindness deed from the vase and then do that deed for someone that day. Members can share their experience a dinner. Watch movies/read books that inspire kindness (p139) Some suggestions: The Kindness Quilt by Nancy Elizabeth Wallace, Ordinary Mary’s Extraordinary Deed by Emily Pearson Kindness is strengthened by practice but doesn’t have to cost a dime, take much time or require any particular talent. Like any exercise program, regular workouts are required to reap the gains. (p140) Sow a thought and you reap an act; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny. – Charles Reade A great analogy on how to approach life...You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.
Why did you spill the coffee? "Well because someone bumped into me, of course!" Wrong answer. You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. *Whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out.* Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which WILL happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled. *So we have to ask ourselves... “what's in my cup?" When life gets tough, what spills over? Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? Or anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions? You choose! Today let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation; and kindness, gentleness and love for others. We live in a fairly rural community by SouthWesternOntario standards. Many of our friends and neighbours are farmers or make a living in the Ag Industry. No doubt you've seen the signs on fenceposts or bumper stickers reminding you "if you ate today, thank a farmer". And its true - we owe our abundance of healthy food to the efforts of the farmers who work hard to produce it. Farmers don't get evenings and weekends off and they work through holidays to ensure livestock is fed and crops are harvested when the weather co-operates.
Did you ever stop to wonder how stressful it is to have all your assets tied up in expensive machinery? Or to have your crop at the mercy of Mother Nature? How sad a dad and mom are when they miss their child's soccer tournament because that field of hay has to be baled before the rain comes? Farming is not an easy job - physically or mentally. It's important to recognize the stress and anxiety members of the Ag Industry face. Don't be afraid to say I'm tired or I need help. If you can help out a neighbour with a meal or a ride to hockey practice for the kids, please do. And don't underestimate the impact that stress and anxiety has on kids - they know when their parents are working long hours and are tired and irritable. That stress funnels down to kids so make sure they know it's OK to express their feelings and offer ways to help them manage their stress (exercise, socializing with friends and healthy meals can all help). Let's recognize farming for the challenging industry it is and support those who work hard to keep us fed. There is a great new website with resources to help support the mental health of those in the Ag Industry. Check it out at https://www.domore.ag/ As someone who has changed careers many times and chosen a less traditional employment path, I often struggle with how to answer that ubiquitous party question: "so what do you do?". I loved this article - please read it and think about it when you meet new people or have the opportunity to introduce people to each other!
A Better Way to Introduce Your Friends at Parties by Cadence Turpin Recently, I had a couple friends from out of town stop in for breakfast as they were passing through Nashville. My friend Carolyn came over early to join in catching up with our friends and, more importantly, to ensure that I didn’t burn the bacon. Our visitors updated us on their work lives. One works in the public health field and the other works to alleviate child hunger through the nonprofit sector. They told stories of children they’d helped and life-changing projects they’d worked on. When the coffee was gone, we cleared the table and contemplated holding our friends hostage before reluctantly sending them on their way. We finished up the dishes, making small talk about where the pans go and filling the silence with clanking ceramic and a running faucet. I was happy to have Carolyn with me. After we’d put the last plate away, Carolyn made some comment about how amazing the work our friends do is and before I really knew what was happening, she’d burst into tears. You see, Carolyn is a meeting planner. And a really good one, at that. But often, and especially on this day, she can feel stuck when the conversation revolves only around what people do. Not many people understand meeting planning, nor do they know what to ask next when the ever so common “so what do you do?” is posed. So my friend ends up feeling stuck. She ends up feeling like her occupation is the only way she can connect with people, and if they don’t find her work interesting enough, then she must not be very interesting. And that’s a lie, of course. But it got me thinking. Carolyn is one of the most interesting people I know. It’s why I want her around when I have friends over and why I call her first when I’m looking for sound advice. She knows how to meet you in deep waters and pull you back up for air without panicking or judging how you got there. She shows up more than any friend I have. And that’s exactly how I’m going to start introducing her. I don’t mind being introduced based on what I do, but I would argue an introduction opening a window to who I am would be refreshing for both parties. What if instead of introducing your friend as Jennifer the nurse, you started introducing her as Jennifer, one of most thoughtful people you know, or Jennifer the friend who helped you move in when you didn’t know a soul in this city. Introducing your friends for who they are rather than focusing on what they do will remind them they are loved before and beyond their titles. It’s an easy way to remind them that you see them for their hearts instead of their accomplishments. Our resumes are just paper. I want people to know my friend Carolyn is amazing at her job, but more than that, I want people to know the stuff inside her that makes her a great friend. The stuff that makes you want to stand by her at a party, in hopes that her thoughtful observations and quick wit might rub off on you. Let’s stop introducing the people we love based solely on what they do, who they cash their checks from, or what’s on their twitter profiles. Let’s instead start reminding them of who they are. Let’s start conversations that don’t begin and end with who has the most interesting job in the room. Networking builds an empire, but thoughtful introductions build a community. Where will you lay your bricks? http://storylineblog.com/2014/08/12/a-better-way-to-introduce-your-friends-at-parties/ I copied the post below from The Jon S Randal Peace Page Facebook page. It is an interesting piece of history and a fantastic example of INCLUSION. Look past the differences and see how great we can be when we work together! On July 31, 1968, a young, black man was reading the newspaper when he saw something that he had never seen before. With tears in his eyes, he started running and screaming throughout the house, calling for his mom. He would show his mom, and, she would gasp, seeing something she thought she would never see in her lifetime. Throughout the nation, there were similar reactions. What they saw was Franklin Armstrong's first appearance on the iconic comic strip "Peanuts." Franklin would be 50 years old this year. Franklin was "born" after a school teacher, Harriet Glickman, had written a letter to creator Charles M. Schulz after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot to death outside his Memphis hotel room. Glickman, who had kids of her own and having worked with kids, was especially aware of the power of comics among the young. “And my feeling at the time was that I realized that black kids and white kids never saw themselves [depicted] together in the classroom,” she would say. She would write, “Since the death of Martin Luther King, 'I’ve been asking myself what I can do to help change those conditions in our society which led to the assassination and which contribute to the vast sea of misunderstanding, hate, fear and violence.'” Glickman asked Schulz if he could consider adding a black character to his popular comic strip, which she hoped would bring the country together and show people of color that they are not excluded from American society. She had written to others as well, but the others feared it was too soon, that it may be costly to their careers, that the syndicate would drop them if they dared do something like that. Charles Schulz did not have to respond to her letter, he could have just completely ignored it, and everyone would have forgotten about it. But, Schulz did take the time to respond, saying he was intrigued with the idea, but wasn't sure whether it would be right, coming from him, he didn't want to make matters worse, he felt that it may sound condescending to people of color. Glickman did not give up, and continued communicating with Schulz, with Schulz surprisingly responding each time. She would even have black friends write to Schulz and explain to him what it would mean to them and gave him some suggestions on how to introduce such a character without offending anyone. This conversation would continue until one day, Schulz would tell Glickman to check her newspaper on July 31, 1968. On that date, the cartoon, as created by Schulz, shows Charlie Brown meeting a new character, named Franklin. Other than his color, Franklin was just an ordinary kid who befriends and helps Charlie Brown. Franklin also mentions that his father was "over at Vietnam." At the end of the series, which lasted three strips, Charlie invites Franklin to spend the night one day so they can continue their friendship. The picture attached here is Franklin meeting the rest of the Peanuts, including Linus. I just thought this was a good re-introduction of Franklin to the rest of the world - "I'm very glad to know you." There was no big announcement, there was no big deal, it was just a natural conversation between two kids, whose obvious differences did not matter to them. And, the fact that Franklin's father was fighting for this country was also a very strong statement by Schulz. Although Schulz never made a big deal over the inclusion of Franklin, there were many fans, especially in the South, who were very upset by it and that made national news. One Southern editor even said, “I don’t mind you having a black character, but please don’t show them in school together.” It would eventually lead to a conversation between Schulz and the president of the comic's distribution company, who was concerned about the introduction of Franklin and how it might affect Schulz' popularity. Many newspapers during that time had threatened to cut the strip. Schulz' response: "I remember telling Larry at the time about Franklin -- he wanted me to change it, and we talked about it for a long while on the phone, and I finally sighed and said, "Well, Larry, let's put it this way: Either you print it just the way I draw it or I quit. How's that?" Eventually, Franklin became a regular character in the comic strips, and, despite complaints, Franklin would be shown sitting in front of Peppermint Patty at school and playing center field on her baseball team. More recently, Franklin is brought up on social media around Thanksgiving time, when the animated 1973 special "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" appears. Some people have blamed Schulz for showing Franklin sitting alone on the Thanksgiving table, while the other characters sit across him. But, Schulz did not have the same control over the animated cartoon on a television network that he did on his own comic strip in the newspapers. But, he did have control over his own comic strip, and, he courageously decided to make a statement because of one brave school teacher who decided to ask a simple question. Glickman would explain later that her parents were "concerned about others, and the values that they instilled in us about caring for and appreciating everyone of all colors and backgrounds — this is what we knew when we were growing up, that you cared about other people . . . And so, during the years, we were very aware of the issues of racism and civil rights in this country [when] black people had to sit at the back of the bus, black people couldn’t sit in the same seats in the restaurants that you could sit . . . Every day I would see, or read, about black children trying to get into school and seeing crowds of white people standing around spitting at them or yelling at them . . . and the beatings and the dogs and the hosings and the courage of so many people in that time." Because of Glickman, because of Schulz, people around the world were introduced to a little boy named Franklin. I happened across an article from the New York Times this week that talked about JOMO - the Joy of Missing Out. The premise is that by truly being present in the moment, there is so much more joy to be had in an experience than if it is filtered through our thoughts, worries and distractions.
Like many, I try to be a good parent and have countless videos on my phone of my kids and their extra curricular activities. But I also realize that the video of my daughter's dance recital didn't capture the true emotion of her dance and it didn't allow me to enjoy the look of appreciation and love that her grandparents had while watching her perform. I missed out on some good stuff because I was focused on the video screen. And I haven't even watched the video again. I haven't watched my wedding video let alone the countless videos of my son playing soccer game when he was 4. I do however remember the look on my son's face when he looked up in the stands at me after scoring his first hockey goal. I remember the smile on his face and felt so satisfied knowing he could see on my face how proud I was of him without having to look around the phone screen to see my expression. And don't even get me started on people who can't eat until they've taken a photo of their meal. A chef laboured to provide you with a nourishing, delicious meal and you can't enjoy it when it's hot and fresh because you're busy posting a photo on Facebook??? It's nice when others can see what you're experiencing but can you fully describe the flavours and the feelings that eating gave you (they say this is why French women don't get fat - I say it's worth a try!) Focus on what's in front of you and really enjoy the experience you've been given. Here's the article if you'd like to read more: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/12/style/joy-of-missing-out-summer.html |
AuthorThe Community of Character is all about recognizing and appreciating the good stuff in life. This blog will share some thoughts on how we can be the best version of ourselves. Archives
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